We all know that feeling. You are missing your ex after a difficult breakup, and have convinced yourself it’s a good idea to send them a text. Maybe if you reach out just this one time, it will finally fix everything?
Stop! Before you send that text, read this guide to get to the root of why you want to reach out to your ex, and learn some alternatives that may save you pain and embarrassment in the long run.
You are not the first person, and certainly not the last, to want to reach out to your ex- no matter how painful the breakup may have been. Remember these feelings are very common. Identifying the reasons why you want to reach out can help you logically decide if it is a good idea.
No matter how the relationship ended, the truth is you and your ex deeply cared about each other at some point. They were a huge part of your life and likely provided emotional support that you grew to depend on. Suddenly not having that person in your life will absolutely leave you missing them and wanting to have contact with them again.
Many people also have regrets about how they handled the final stages of a breakup. Maybe you wish you had been more patient, communicated better, or had handled things in a more mature way. It’s easy to start doubting yourself and begin wanting to reach out to communicate that.
Another trap many people fall into is the idea that they need closure. You begin to think about unanswered questions. Maybe your ex said something in the heat of the moment that you didn’t fully understand. Should you reach out to get clarity? You begin to reason that if you just have one more conversation with your ex, everything could be cleared up and you both can move forward together.
Or, on the other side of things, you may want to send a scathing review of how your ex hurt you. You think letting them know how they really made you feel will help you to be able to move on. At the very least you believe you will feel better for calling out their behavior.
It is important to remember that everyone has had these feelings. We are all imperfect people, and no one handles stressful situations like a breakup with no regrets.
Before you become too hard on yourself and open the door again to a potentially explosive situation, here are some things to think about…
Usually, we are in a very emotional place when we are desperate to have some communication with our ex. When we communicate in this emotional space, things can have the opposite effect of what you intended.
Remember your ex decided they needed some space for a reason. If you text them now, you may come across as needy and clingy, two things that likely led to a breakup in the first place.
If your ex needs some time on their own, reaching out now could potentially push them further away. They have decided to set a boundary and likely need time to process the breakup. Not respecting this could convince them that they made the right choice; therefore, needing even more space from you.
The common misconception that you need to talk to your ex for closure often leads to more questions. Seldom do people actually get a clear answer that they are satisfied with post- breakup.
The most important thing to realize when reaching out to an ex, is that while it may be a quick ‘fix’ to contact them now, you are only prolonging the hurt. Every time you have contact with them, the healing and grieving process has to start over again.
Let’s say you decide to text your ex, you two talk, and decide to get back together. Is this really as great as it sounds? Has anything about the relationship really changed, or are you two just back temporarily with all of the same problems as before?
Something about the relationship wasn’t working. If you are quick to reconcile and get back together without individually working on yourselves, you both could be stuck in an unhealthy situation that neither of you are happy in.
Additionally, if you send that long venting text about everything your ex did wrong, this realistically guarantees things won’t get any better. You could hurt them to the point that a future reconciliation down the road will be impossible. Or this may once again reinforce their decision that breaking up with you was the right choice.
As we mentioned before, it’s still very understandable to want to reach out to an ex when you are hurting. To help you through these strong emotions- here are some tried and tested alternatives to sending that risky text!
The truth is, sometimes we do need to call in backup when we are overwhelmed by emotions.
Your ex was likely the person you went to for emotional support. It’s important to realize you may need to find help from others in your life now. No one can navigate a painful breakup alone.
While you may feel like venting to everyone, try to find one mature friend who can be your confidant. It’s important to find someone neutral to the situation who can give you unbiased advice.
It is also wise to find someone who cares about you but won’t get swept up in your emotions as well. Look for someone outside your immediate family; these close contacts can often be too involved in your emotions to give you wise counsel.
It would be great if they could be “on-call” so to speak, at least for a few weeks following the breakup. The strong urge to reach out can hit at any moment, and you want your friend to be ready.
Give your friend a list of questions to go over with you to keep you accountable when you are in an emotional panic. This can help you decide what kind of emotional state you are in right now. Even alerting your breakup buddy that you want to reach out to your ex can help you see the situation from a clearer perspective.
Even though you may need to air some feelings about your ex, a texting vent session is never a great idea.
A better alternative is to write out your ideal vent-text but send it to your breakup buddy instead. This helps you to organize your feelings into written words and release them in a healthy way. You can get out all the hurt and anger, but in a mature fashion that won’t cause a damaging relationship or personal effect.
Having a friend help you out is a great tool to navigate a painful breakup. However, there may be times when your friend is not available to help you. Many people also prefer to work through their emotions alone before they open up to others.
Here are some questions to go over when you feel like texting your ex. It helps to keep a journal nearby and write out the answers as you process through these questions for future reference.
You may feel that the urge to text your ex has passed by the time you have thought through these questions. Fingers crossed!
Your immediate answer may be yes, but take a minute to think through it. Are you just trying to feel better at the moment? What is better for you both long term? Was this really the person of your dreams, or are you just afraid you won’t find anyone else?
Were there any external factors outside of the two of you that led to a breakup? Have any of these things changed? What are the odds that these things wouldn’t affect your relationship again?
Our insecurities can really get the best of us sometimes; our inner voice can make things seem to be all our fault. But is this true? You aren’t a perfect person, but neither is your ex. In what ways did you both contribute to the breakup?
If so, how could you remove that trigger from your life so you aren’t overwhelmed to reach out again?
Now that you’ve done some self-reflection, it’s time for personal growth. As mentioned, nobody is perfect. You can’t control your ex, nor their ability to grow and change in your time apart, but you can control your own mental health and progress.
It’s always possible your ex and you could get back together down the road. After some time apart to reflect on the breakup, you may want to make changes in your life so that you are in a healthy place to give the relationship another try, or not!
You may begin dating other people, take time to focus on yourself, or find new ways to bring good energy to fresh relationships. However, you won’t be able to get to these healthy places if you keep contacting your ex and stay stuck in the past.
Take the necessary time to get to the root of your insecurities and past traumas. If strong feelings resurface, understand how to process them. Putting words to the reasons why you reacted (or overreacted) to certain things will help you to be more balanced in the future.
Time apart from an ex with no contact also helps you refocus on what your long-term goals are. What do you really want for your future? Did this align with your ex’s goals, and if not were you compromising too much on where YOU really want your life to go?
It’s never wise to impulsively make a big decision. Especially one as big as reaching out to an ex.
If you have gone through the above steps and have still decided it’s worth it to text your ex, do yourself a favor and give yourself a few days. If it still seems like a good choice after your emotions have calmed down, then it may be the right thing to do.
After time has passed, you may also decide to not reach out. The important thing is you are using the tools to make healthy choices, not choices that land you back in a potentially toxic situation.
We aren’t saying that you should never ever contact your ex again; there are certain situations where it may even be necessary.
Only contact an ex when you are emotionally in a good place, giving yourself enough time to process and reflect.
If you have kids, pets, or a house together, it is understandable that there would need to be some contact with your ex. Just make sure you aren’t using these things as an excuse to reach out unnecessarily.
You see their name pop up on your phone and your heart drops. They reached out first! Do all the rules above go out the window?
Noooo! It’s still important to go through the steps mentioned before. Give yourself time to calm down emotionally before responding. Decide if you are in a secure enough place emotionally to open up the door again. Don’t lose all the progress you’ve made on yourself by jumping back in too quickly!
Wanting to reach out to an ex can be confusing. With this guide, you can make emotionally healthy choices to lead to a full breakup recovery!
